Premium Cat Earplugs (For Screaming Owners)

Description

Behold the Premium Cat Earplugs™: your avant-garde acoustic shield against the ceaseless barrage of “Who’s a good boy?” prostrations. Crafted with our proprietary Dual-Mode Meowwave Dampener™ and next-gen Silicone Quantum Mewtrusion Technology™ (currently awaiting dimensional patent approval in three parallel universes), these earplugs attenuate a staggering 73.4% ± 0.002% of the psychoacoustic chaos with near-surgical accuracy.

For the dedicated vet techs moonlighting as acoustic zoologists, consult Fig. 7b in the Barkodynamics Appendix, Volume III—detailing the Felino-Acoustic Rejection Principle™. This exquisite pseudo-scientific framework explains the earplugs’ baffling ability to nullify feline sonic emissions and induce controlled eye-roll oscillations, an established biomarker of feline tranquility and human befuddlement.

Enveloped in our patented Lick-Resistant Surface Coating, Gen 4.0™ (fur-compatible, slobber-neutralizing, and beta-tested by one notoriously judgmental Maine Coon), these plugs form a micro-sonic black hole that literally sucks away external auditory nonsense.

Usage: Deploy during peak human idiocy intervals—unwarranted off-key serenades, unsolicited affection surges, or any instance of overzealous vocal fuzzery. Users report a rapid elevation in tranquility indices alongside a documented 92% reduction in unauthorized paw-petting solicitations.*

*Sanctioned by the FDA (Feline & Dog Auditorial agency; definitely not the Food & Dog Administration). Note: Functionality may degrade in the presence of rogue husky sonic booms or toddler-induced frequency anomalies beyond calibrated thresholds. Use responsibly and with a healthy dose of skepticism-induced Zen.