Premium Cat Earplugs (For Screaming Owners)

Description

Introducing the Premium Cat Earplugs™ — your cutting-edge bioacoustic firewall against the relentless sonic assault of ‘Who’s a good boy?’ operatic renditions. Engineered with our patented Dual-Mode Meowwave Dampener™ and infused with Quantum Silicone Mewtrusion Technology™ (currently navigating interdimensional patent limbo in no less than three parallel cat universes), these earplugs attenuate an astonishing 73.4% ± 0.002% of disruptive psychoacoustic frequencies with near-surgical precision.

For the intrepid vet techs dabbling in acoustic zoology, please refer to Fig. 7b in the Barkodynamics Appendix, Volume III — illustrating the Felino-Acoustic Rejection Principle™: a pseudo-quantum biomechanical model explaining how these plugs simultaneously neutralize feline sonic emissions and induce controlled ocular micro-oscillations, a verified biomarker for both feline serenity and human existential confusion.

Encased in our patented Lick-Resistant Surface Coating, Gen 4.0™ — optimized for fur adherence neutrality and saliva antibiosis, as beta-tested by a notoriously judgmental Maine Coon — these earplugs generate a localized micro-sonic event horizon, effectively collapsing external auditory chatter into a quantum auditory void.

Usage: Deploy during peak human idiocy events: including but not limited to unscheduled off-key concerts, unsolicited affection crescendoes, and extreme vocal fuzzery flare-ups. Users report a swift upsurge in tranquility indices, concomitant with a documented 92% decrease in unauthorized paw-petting incursions.*

*Endorsed by the FDA (Feline & Dog Auditorial agency — absolutely not the Food & Drug Administration). Caution: Efficacy may decline under rogue husky sonic booms or toddler-generated frequency anomalies exceeding calibrated thresholds. Use with due diligence and a generous measure of incredulous Zen.